"One More Test"

The Devil tempts that he may ruin and destroy; God tests that He may crown. 

Just talked to Dr. Samuelson, the oncologist and am scheduled for a lung biopsy tomorrow, July 2, at 7:30am. Will have to be evaluated for 4 hours to make sure that lung doesn't collapse. CT Scan last Fri. revealed 15 tumors, but only 2 are big enough to biopsy. The other 13 are very, very teeny, tiny. Will have results in 2 days. We are definitely looking at stage 4 cancer. Anytime a cancer spreads it is considered stage 4. This will confirm what kind of cancer. 99% chance it is Renal Cell. The treatment will be oral chemo at a mere $7800 to $11,000 per month. Oh, happy day! Still holding out that will can remain full time missionaries either back in the Philippines or here in Salt Lake because of the insurance. As long as we are not released we will have DMBA Insurance. It will be in force up to 90 days after our release date. Still have not heard how much of the meds it will actually cover. Since no one knows how my body will respond to the drug we have no idea if it will be affective or not. The most that can be expected is that it will slow down the growth. Right now Dad is still working on projects in the Philippines via e-mail. If that doesn't work out we can request a reassignment to something like the family history center for the next 8 months. I have faith that as long as we are doing all that we can The Lord will provide. He knows me personally. His Son, our elder brother and Savior has already suffered all of our pain and sorrow. When things are happening around us that we don't understand or cannot bear we must find a way to give it all to Him. It may take time and will not be easy and at times seems impossible but we read in Mark "all things are possible to him that believeth." I not only believe but I know this to be true.

"Ruby Tuesday" or so Elder Hadlock says.....

“To cut off the confusion and accept an answer just because it's too scary not to have an answer is a good way to get the wrong answer.”

It's Tuesday. Oncologist Day. The big D-Day. The day that we have all been waiting for. Make-The-Plan, Work-The Plan Day. Didn't work out so well. The doctor was distracted, this by his own admission, had not familiarized himself with my case and really didn't know what to do except re order tests that had already been done. We showed him everything that had been done and he thanked us for telling him so I didn't have to be poked and prodded again. Never mind the $2500 it would cost to redo everything. He wants to meet with a radiologist to see if it is possible to biopsy one of the tumors because they are so small. I have it on good authority that a BB can be biopsied, so I am not real confident in this guy. During his "straight from the hip approach" he bounced around so much we are not sure he was talking about me, another patient of his, or some ambiguous Jane Doe. I love a "tell it like it is" doctor, what I don't appreciate is an insensitive one. If I indeed have 6 months to live I would rather not spend 3 weeks of it waiting for answers that pertain to my case. Anyway we will talk to him on Monday. He said he would call us, but his own staff said that we would need to call him back because he "gets distracted. This guy actually came with rave reviews from Dr. Bishoff, whom we dearly love. I guess we will give him one more chance. It is probably my fault because I was in such confusion trying to grasp his randomness that I didn't ask questions. On Monday I will be more proactive and take control of the situation. I am sure he will appreciate knowing where I stand. It is impossible for him to answer questions that were never asked. I am a "make the plan, work the plan" kind of a person, which is not good or bad. It is just the way I survive OCD. So, if I don't have a plan then frankly there is no plan and I obviously do not embrace that scenario in a patient manner. To remain in a somewhat stable condition I force myself to devise a substitute plan until the real plan surfaces. My alternate plan is work on being patient, sustain and support family and friends during this crisis, do all that I can to become informed about my condition, work out a healthy eating plan, and enjoy the moment without looking to far into the future. I remind myself many times a day that this is all in the Lords hands. There is a reason why things happen as they do. We need to take control where we can and let that which is out of our control follow its own journey. Wow, that sounds pretty good. I think I will put that into action right this minute.

Much Ado About Nothing

"To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have. Ken S. Keyes, Jr."

 Met with Doctor Bischoff today. He is a urologist and a wonderful man. The first thing he said to me was that I had years left. He walked us down three flights of stairs and over to another building to make an appointment with the oncologist. He then gave me a big hug and told me how happy he was for mr me. Needless to say we were very happy and began thinking about returning to the Philippines. To be honest I started to feel guilty because of all the worry this has caused so many people. Life went back to pretty much normal. Visited kids and my sister and brother in Idaho. Had a great weekend.

The Party, "Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow"

"A line from the play Romeo and Juliet, by William Shakespeare; Juliet is saying good night to Romeo. Their sorrowful parting is also “sweet” because it makes them think about the next time they will see each other." 

Marcia and the DuPaix's put together a pot luck going away party for us on Thursday nite. All of the Senior Missionaries as well as President and Sister DeLaMare and President and Sister Beck were there to wish us well. I started the evening with an explanation of what was going on so that everyone would know and we all could enjoy eating. After the dinner Steve and I bore our testimonies and thanked everyone for their friendship and support. I do not remember much of what I said but I do remember how I felt. Since we heard the news I have felt the most profound peace. No fear or anger, just the most beautiful peace that I have ever known. I know that we are all in the Lord's hands and He has a plan. I know where I am going and I know what I will be doing. I wish everyone could feel the peace that I do. We have all said this goodbye before. We had the same uncertainties of the unknown, the same excitement for the new adventure we would be experiencing. Our spirits remember that 1st goodbye. We will soon be together again just as we were before we came to this life. On Wed we took a breather and went to the movie. As I was watching the action on screen of "the Man of Steel" I was thinking about where we all are going someday and I was actually a little giddy thinking about it all. By the way, great casting and I really liked the story line. We will miss the wonderful friends we have made in the Philippines. Both Missionaries and Filipinos. I know we have all been friends before and sorry we had to wait so many years to be reunited.

The PET Scan, "Laughter Is The Best Medicine"

"So many tangles in life are ultimately hopeless that we have no appropriate sword other than laughter." ~Gordon W. Allport

 Steve, Marcia and I showed up at St Luke's Global for a PET Scan and CT Scan. These tests reveal more detail of the lesions in my lungs and determine if there are lesions anywhere else. Filipino people are so sweet and service oriented that I felt like the Queen that Marcia assures me that I am. Steve had to go get some paper work so Mar went back with me. After I put on the "gown" which consisted of pull on bottoms with a draw string and a wrap around top with ties we realized how cute and comfortable they were. So Marcia being Marcia asked if we can buy some. Filipino people will not tell you no so of course he said we could and he would find out how much they were. We bought 2 for me and 1 for Marcia. We decided that we would wear them to the going away party. We tried to talk Steve and Jeff into getting some as well but, the boys being "the boys" respectfully declined. The techs all look they are 12 years old but I have never had a blood draw or IV that was completely painless until now. After the IV for the chaser was in the tech said that I must restrict my talking for one hour. Yeah like that is even remotely happening with Marcia and I in the same room. Marcia, "Really, you expect us to not talk. For a whole HOUR. Have you not been here for the last 30 minutes and observed our interaction? Sorry, but it isn't going to happen! Explain to me why." Tech, "The chaser that we just injected follows the blood vessels to mark the way for the dye and it collects in the most active vessels. So if you talk a lot your mouth will glow. Please don't stress your mouth!" After we got up from the floor where we both fell from laughing so hard, Marcia had a great idea. She is a translator for the deaf and since I have always wanted to learn sign she decided to teach me. My first phrase--Don't stress your mouth. We then proceeded to give people we know their sign (name.) When friends are signing about people they know they pick a word that they associate with the person followed by the first letter of their name. We came up with some pretty silly "signs" for people. She taught me some pretty great stuff. The silence was often interrupted by bouts of hysterical loud laughter, but I did not speak. We figured laughing was OK because it would make the markers collect in my lungs where the cancer is anyway. The lesions lit up like a Christmas tree! I will cherish the fun time we had. The two of us in that little room, sharing, caring and just being together. We waited the hour to let the chaser circulate then off to the scanner. It only took 40 minutes. As I was walking out I asked if I could speak. He said I could I told him I had been a good girl and not talked for the whole hour, but there had been some uncontrollable laughter. He grinned at me and said, "Yeah, we heard!"

Marcia and Jeff, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one”

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked” Bernard Meltzer

I'd like to introduce you to Elder and Sister French (Jeff and Marcia). Marcia is the Mental Health Advisor for the Philippine area. She is my therapist, confidant, cohort in crime, "Jack" watching partner, best buddy, eternal friend, my other me. She is definitely the princess to my queen. Steve describes our relationship as indescribable. The fun, happiness, and exuberance for life that we portray when we are together is inspiring, contagious and at times, I am sure, obnoxious. We have been known to discuss a gospel principle for 4 hours non stop, burst out laughing at any given moment over something that happened days ago, to yell "Julia Vargas" randomly when asked "What street is that," and walk down the mall arm in arm or holding hands. I have no words to state my feelings for her. I feel, understood, excepted on all levels, valued, loved, non threatened, and respected, but most importantly to me I feel liked just as I am. I guess the closet thing to describe our relationship is unconditional love. The best thing about this friendship is that all four of us like "all four of us. Steve and Macia tease each other constantly. Steve has become very fast in covering his ears when he makes a smart remark to protect himself from Marcia's incredibly accurate ear flick with her finger; and Jeff and I have so many of the same likes that it is amazing. We often joke that Marcia is the feminine Steve and Jeff is the masculine me. Our Taco Monday Family Nites, Saturday Grocery shopping, our trips to Tanay to buy (it's a secret!), and marathon "Jack" nights are never to be forgotten, not to mention the Burger King runs! Marcia and Jeff are our guardian angels sent to us from a kind and lovely Heavenly Father who knew of the struggle we would face. After the diagnosis I apologized to Jeff for the hole I was about to leave in their life and his comment back to me was, "It won't be for long." That was the most comforting thing that anyone could have said to me. Marcia helped me through the shock phase by telling me that whatever my reaction was, it was the right one for me. She then waited patiently for the anger phase and when is finally exploded about 3 days later at something so totally removed from what was going on she calmly explained what was happening. They have been there for us in every way and I know that they will continue by our side every step we take from this point on. Love you "Fred" and "Marcia, Marcia."

Shock and Awe, "There's a Bad Moon Rising"

Credence Clearwater Revival  I see the bad moon arising. I see trouble on the way. I see earthquakes and lightnin'. I see bad times today. 

Monday June 10, 2013 was just another day in the life of the mission. First thing that week was my annual chest x-ray. Hilda the x-ray tech took the picture. I dressed and was waiting in Dr. Jackson's office. He came in and said he needed a side shot because it gave more information. I knew immediately. As I was dressing after the second picture Steve came in and said that Dr Jackson wanted to see us in the x-ray room. Oh,oh, "There's a Bad Moon Rising." Boy was I right. Five cylindrical unknown abnormalities, 4 in left lung, 1 in right. Off to kidney doc. PET and CT scans ordered. We sent the x-rays to Utah to a friend who is a radiologist and he found eight spots that he called lesions, 5 in left, 3 in right. Prognosis 3 to 6 months. As we say in our family, no muey bueno. By Tuesday we made plans to return home Friday morning. Our daughter Hillary was moving to The Marshall Islands the following Tues for 3 years and we wanted to see her family before they left. In the mean time, our friend in Utah had requested my prior chest x-rays. His findings were a big shocker. Nov 2011 x-ray was clear. April 2012 x-ray was not. It was noted that 3 tumors were found in the left lung and a follow up CT Scan was recommended. We were never advised of these findings. We realized that we would never have gone on our mission had we known and that it was really a chance of a lifetime. We have grown so much spiritually and felt that we were truly blessed to have spent this last year together.